Last week I made what may seem a bold statement. I said that absolutes are all around us. I called the absolutes our “context.” Perhaps you wrote that off as old-school nonsense, knowing for sure that absolutes are passé, out of date. No one believes in the absolute anymore, maybe you’re thinking. I questioned myself after last week’s piece and some substantiating facts came to mind. Consider the following as evidence that we assume quite a few absolutes.
“Oh dear, I’ve cut myself, and I was supposed to bleed green this week!”
“We’re celebrating my grandpa’s birthday tomorrow. He’s three this year!”
“Yes, at eighty my hands do get more tired, but I’m growing a couple of new ones.”
“Let’s talk about trading hearts. Mine’s older than yours so I’ll give you a discount.”
“You know that tree in her front yard? Can’t get near it! It whacks anyone who does.”
“Her little boy is quite smart. He was born speaking Russian.”
“Yes, he was invisible that day. When he said something out loud, it scared people.”
“She has powerful ears. They’re still hitting the high notes. Quite amazing at sixty.”
“He wins all the track events, you know. Last week he clocked at 95mph.”
“Their cat is a problem. It only speaks Greek.”
“No financial worries there! When Eustace touches something, it still turns to gold.”
“We’re having asphalt for dinner. Everyone loves it.”
“She can never guess what color her hair will be when she wakes up. It’s pink today!”
“The new piano tuner poured vinegar on the soundboard, fixed all the sticking keys!”
“I was amazed. That tablespoon of gasoline really improved my cornbread recipe!”
“Yes, one of his eyes sees in black and white, the other one in color. What a hassle!”
“What if one of your great grands turned out to be an ostrich? No genealogy for me!”
“The birds out back were fighting. Such foul language! I was shocked!”
“He rides his chihuahua to work every day. Better than fighting traffic!”
“I couldn’t get her to stop crying—purple tear-stains all over her white dress!”
“He only sleeps on Wednesdays.”
“Peach blossoms . . . just in time for Thanksgiving. I guess it’s from all the rain.”
“Last year, there was an earthquake, but that message in the sky said it was coming.”
“She’s good in math, taught her brother differential equations when she was two.”
“No, grits isn’t chopped up potatoes. It’s little bits of bone.”
“They love to garden. Last year they had a good crop of alligators, sold quite a few.”
“When their doorbell rings, the wallpaper flinches.”
“They don’t need shocks, the triangle wheels on that model make it unnecessary.”
“Look at the sky today–such lovely pink polka-dots . . . perfect for her birthday.”
“Sand is great in milkshakes. You should try it.”
“They can’t sleep at night! The ivy on that side of the house shrieks at all hours!”
“Wonder when we’ll get black snow again. I’m tired of this chartreuse.”
“Rainbow dots are an improvement, better than that old-fashioned ribbon in the sky.”
“Yes, I’d like my scrambled eggs cooked well, and make sure they’re the blue ones.”
“Their truck was mired in the grits for a couple of hours. Had to be towed.”
“The rain’s pouring down! All that salt! The yard’s white with it already!”
“The thunder below the equator rumbles only in the Key of E#–a proven fact!”
“The lightning last week was an odd rose color. At least it was visible!”
“They were digging up some bulbs, and I noticed their dirt was greener than ours.”
“Over sixty-five, their car melts.”
“In Atlanta, the busses hop.”
from The Edgefield Advertiser, oldest newspaper in South Carolina
March 10, 2021
with thanks for the great image–toa-heftiba-1131736-unsplash
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